Restless

Today I was supposed to rest and do nothing. When I mentioned the fact I was planning on doing very little work today Mr. G made it clear that I should not do very little but that I should do nothing. It's the first day in months that I've spent any real quality time with my son. I know he doesn't understand Mommy works day and night so that we can have a better life. His father, The Sitter, is a great watcher of his son. He never gives me any grief about watching our child but he most certainly doesn't make the kind of decisions that will ever lead him to helping support us financially. So private school etc. is all on Mommy. I bought a new car Saturday and already The Sitter needed me to give him a ride today. I picked him up so he could go work on a car and make some money. The Sitter is still on the lamb from an incident earlier in the year where he went on a high speed chase with himself, the police weren't even chasing the idiot, with our child in the car. When the fool flipped over the car and fled the scene of the crime with our then two year old, the officer, who wasn't chasing him, took down his tag number and discovered his cell phone which The Sitter had dropped. When I called The Sitter's phone the officer informed me of the aforementioned shenanigans. He still has outstanding warrants from that and a suspended license, not a good position to be in when your business is towing and repairing cars. Well, that's the business he's in now. When we met nearly six years ago he was a College Football Player then Personal Trainer, Playball Coach, Computer Salesman (those hot computers got him five years of probation), Owner of a Recycling Company, Pit bull Breeder, Boot Leg Liquor Vendor, Street Pharmaceutical Distributor, Gymboree Sales Associate (until they found about the computer sales), Handy Man, Math Tutor, Party Promoter, Event Food Service, Flee Market Vendor, Night Club Security and now towing/car repairs. It's clear to see why The Sitter is not a reliable source for me in rearing my child. That's part of why I work so hard to make sure my son has some balance and a chance at a different lifestyle.
Mr. G is not the one who got away, he's the one I threw away. It started as a business relationship and graduated into a sexual one. There was a hint of romance and genuine feelings developed on both sides. Then I panicked afraid of getting hurt and that maybe he was too good to be true and gave him a lame excuse as to why we shouldn't see each other anymore. The old I don't like to mix business with pleasure, I'm focused on my career right now mumbo jumbo. When the truth was I was scared. Scared of getting hurt, scared of the I have cancer can you handle that convo and scared of introducing another failed relationship to my romantic resume. Now with all my friends getting married my lonely nights seem lonelier. Stress is my friend. I'm overworked, swimming in lawsuits and ill, this is the time when friends and family who leave you alone at night just won't do. This is when a mate is much needed, but all I have to cuddle at night is pillows and contracts. Today I did no work and I'm panicked that something I didn't handle today will haunt me tomorrow, that thought made today restless.